Saturday, June 12, 2010

A Piece Is Gone

I never understood why people got so depressed over miscarriages. I guess I just always assumed it was something that should be easy since you haven't seen or held the child, but now I know better. Once you find out there's another life inside of you it changes you forever. To have that taken away, no matter how far along you are, is just terrible. For me it happened in the middle of my ninth week. It's an unexplainable feeling of loss. I've lost so many loved ones in my short life, but this surpasses them all. I suppose it's knowing that there's absolutely nothing you could have done to change the outcome. It's completely out of your hands.

I recently received a message from a friend who was trying to help me find some comfort. It was absolutely beautiful. I've received many messages and well wishes over the past couple of months, but this one was just different for some reason. She too has experienced the pain of miscarriage and after describing an intimate, unexpected encounter with God she went on to write...

"It hit me so hard that our God is an awesome God and that I need to praise him even in this storm. I know that He has plans for me and my life...and for our future children. Believe me, this is not my natural reaction to hard things/times, but it was a changing and softening of my heart and a complete understanding that He loves us and doesn't want us to be in pain. It was such a defining moment for me in my life, and I look back in awe."

She went on to say that after much prayer she did finally get pregnant and now has a healthy, beautiful little girl. She continued...

"Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for this gift and also ask Him for another day with her, because I know she isn't mine, but His."

I've heard it over and over again...that everything comes from Him, therefore everything belongs to him and everything is taken in His time. I just never understood it until now. I want to thank her for her beautiful words, because I truly believe this has been one of the biggest steps toward my healing.

So, for now, all I can do is lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I feel inside. I will continue to pray for healing and understanding...although I know I will probably never understand. I know all things are done in His timing and according to His will.

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